Okay, so I stole that title from Dave Koz, but I have a much different meaning for it than he does.
When I was a kid, I loved being in the church Christmas play, going Christmas caroling in our tiny village in Southeastern Ohio, and baking Christmas goodies. I had no idea then that I would be so alone for so many Decembers of my life.
Every year, I think this will be the last Christmas I will have to be alone. Every year, I am still alone. I don’t know why. Well, I guess I can offer one theory. I’ve always run away from those who would love me. The only regrets I have in my life are the opportunities I passed by because of my fear, and for the most part, it has been the fear of letting someone love me.
So I am alone for yet another Christmas.
I’ve reached the point that I can’t stand to hear my friends talk about their plans with their families, or see their posts on Facebook with their children talking to Santa or looking for the perfect Christmas tree. I want more than anything not to be alone.
At times—often—I think I would rather be dead than alone.
I wonder why I’m even sharing this in a somewhat public venue—probably because I’m pretty sure no one will even read this.
I love so many things about Christmas, especially the fact that we celebrate the birth of the Messiah.
So often I hear people say that life is not worthwhile if you have no one to share it with.
If I go by that, life is not worthwhile for me. I have SO much for which to be thankful, but no one with whom to share any of it. I feel like a failure at everything.
“As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.”—
I’m very sleepy, but unable to fall asleep. Part of the reason is thinking of all the things I’ve passed by because of my fear. I have a lot of regrets; none of them are things I have done, not even the mistakes, for that’s how we learn.
But I regret allowing fear to control my life for so many years. And the worst part is that I didn’t even know. I was trapped in a prison and had no idea I was a captive.
Now I see how different my life could be if only I had not run away from so much that could have been good.
A very close friend told me, “God always creates new opportunities.” I’m praying it’s not too late for me.